How to create a healthy, loving relationship?

Adopt a Cooperative Mindset

It would be great if couples never disagreed; but conflict is present in every romantic relationship.  The trick to maintaining a healthy relationship is to approach conflict using a cooperative mindset.

Most couples approach conflict using a competitive mindset - employing a "you versus me" mentality.  "I want to get my way, but at your expense." 

By comparison, a cooperative mindset involves couples viewing conflict from a different frame of reference - "it's us versus the problem."  "We're on the same team, trying to work together to solve this problem."   

Using a cooperative mindset provides many advantages.  By framing the issue as "our" problem, couples are less likely to personalize the issue at hand, they are less likely to assign blame, and they are less likely to attack each other.  A cooperative mindset also allows couples to see the problem from a more objective point of view - from a distance where creative solutions to problems are more likely to be found. 

For example, many couples argue over finances using a competitive approach.  Such conversations often include displays of anger, personal attacks, and attempts to control each other.  On the other hand, by using a cooperative mindset the problem gets reframed:  "How can we work together to resolve our financial disagreements?" "What is causing us to argue and what can we do about it?" "What steps can we both take to solve this problem?"  Ultimately, the goal is to find solutions that work best for everyone. 

Adopting a cooperative mindset does not guarantee that every problem can be happily solved.  But using a cooperative approach will create the least amount of damage to a relationship when disputes arise.  And most couples, who use such an approach, report feeling more connected closes and understood.

Express Negative Feelings Effectively

Having negative feelings about something a partner has done is a fact of life.  How those feelings get expressed is what matters the most. 
If you are in a close relationship, eventually your spouse or partner will act in a way that makes you upset (more likely, this happens a lot).  Typically, when people get upset by something their partner has done, they try to get their partner to stop doing it.  This makes perfect sense.  Unfortunately, this approach often creates more problems than good. 
For the most part, when people are upset, they try to control their partner's behavior by telling a partner what to do, by being critical, displaying anger, yelling, pouting, sulking, giving the silent treatment... you get the idea.  The problem with this approach is that it creates a defensive response.  When people feel like they are being criticized or told what to do, they fight back.  Suddenly, a small problem turns into something much larger - now both sides are on the attack. 
Since trying to control a partner's behavior does not work, what is one supposed to do?
The best way to solve these types of problems is by learning how to express one's feelings about the situation without attacking a partner in the process.  If you can learn how to express what you're feeling, without trying to assign blame or dictate an outcome, your relationship will be better off in the long run. 
For example, if your spouse is spending too much time with an ex, you could tell him or her to stop it (this is likely to cause a fight).  Or you could talk about how it makes you feel.  "I feel uncomfortable, concerned, worried... when you spend time with your ex.  Can we talk about how I am feeling?"  
If you can focus on your feelings, and not your partner's actions, several things are likely to happen.  First, your feelings about the situation are likely to become less intense - feelings tend to fade when people talk about them.  Second, by talking about your feelings, your partner is more likely to see the situation from your perspective and come up with a solution on their own.  Finally, talking about feelings in a non-hostile manner helps couples grow closer and feel more connected. 

Encourage Conversation

Multitasking has become a way of life.  Rarely do people focus on doing one thing at a time, especially when it comes to talking with their spouse or partner. 
Think about it for a moment.  What were you doing the last time you talked to your spouse?  Were you working, watching tv, sending an e-mail, or reading a text message? 
The problem with multitasking, when talking to someone you love, is that it limits your ability to focus on what's being said.  Even if you have good intentions, the fact that you are distracted gets communicated nonverbally, and it sends a very powerful message - "I'm not really paying attention." 
And when partners realize that they are not being listened to they either get upset or they stop talking.  For example, asking a spouse how their day was while checking your BlackBerry usually results in a minimal response - "Fine." 
While this issue may seem trivial, it is not.  It is difficult to feel important, loved and cared for when people don't take the time to listen to each other. 
There is a simple solution to this problem.  Whenever your spouse calls or your partner comes home for the day, stop what you're doing.  Focus your attention on what your spouse or partner is saying.  They will notice your interest, and even if they don't have anything important to say, it will make them feel special. 
Simply giving your spouse a few minutes of your undivided attention can set a positive tone for the rest of the day.    

Do New Things Together

While establishing a routine can help create stability within a relationship, it is also important for couples to experience new things together.  
Let's face it - the fun part of a relationship is in the beginning, when everything is new, exciting and full of potential.  Over time, as couples grow familiar with each other, some of that excitement fades.  In fact, at a physiological level people's minds actually become habituated - neurons stop firing and couples lose some of their interest in each other.   
The key to long-term happiness involves doing new things with a partner - things which are stimulating and exciting - things which bring some energy back into the relationship. 
Not only does doing novel things together bring back feelings of excitement, but it also gives couples something new to talk about.  
Doing something new might involve adventure travel, learning a new hobby, volunteering in your community, participating in a new sport, or simply going on a walking tour around the neighborhood. 
Couples, who remain happily married, understand the importance of breaking out of their routine from time to time. 

Share Responsibilities

For most couples, there is always something that needs to be done, whether it involves childcare, housework, paying bills, you name it.  And in a romantic relationship, there needs to be a sense of fairness when it comes to dealing with such tasks.
Study after study has shown that couples are happiest when there is a shared sense of responsibility.  If one person feels they are doing more of the work, it leads to problems.  When the workload is not shared, the person who is carrying more of the burden feels overwhelmed.  Over time, anger and resentment can build-up and dampen feelings of love and affection.    
The solution to this problem is simple:  Always pitch-in and lend a helping hand.  Doing so creates a sense of fairness and demonstrates that you care.  It is a small gesture, but it has a huge impact on how people feel about each other.

Give Each Other Space

Part of getting a relationship right is knowing when to give your partner some space. 
Relationships are great.  They create stability and give people a sense of belonging.  At the same time, people need a break.  People need to have some time just for themselves.
To maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to give a partner some space when needed.  One of the worst things you can do in a relationship, is be clingy or interfere when a spouse needs some time alone. 
Some people just need a few minutes to themselves when they get home from work, some people need an evening to do something on their own, and some people have an even greater need for autonomy.   
Just because someone needs some downtime, does not necessarily mean that there is a problem in your relationship.  The more you allow your spouse or partner to have some time to themselves, the more happy they will be when they are with you.