How to create a healthy, loving relationship?

Adopt a Cooperative Mindset

It would be great if couples never disagreed; but conflict is present in every romantic relationship.  The trick to maintaining a healthy relationship is to approach conflict using a cooperative mindset.

Most couples approach conflict using a competitive mindset - employing a "you versus me" mentality.  "I want to get my way, but at your expense." 

By comparison, a cooperative mindset involves couples viewing conflict from a different frame of reference - "it's us versus the problem."  "We're on the same team, trying to work together to solve this problem."   

Using a cooperative mindset provides many advantages.  By framing the issue as "our" problem, couples are less likely to personalize the issue at hand, they are less likely to assign blame, and they are less likely to attack each other.  A cooperative mindset also allows couples to see the problem from a more objective point of view - from a distance where creative solutions to problems are more likely to be found. 

For example, many couples argue over finances using a competitive approach.  Such conversations often include displays of anger, personal attacks, and attempts to control each other.  On the other hand, by using a cooperative mindset the problem gets reframed:  "How can we work together to resolve our financial disagreements?" "What is causing us to argue and what can we do about it?" "What steps can we both take to solve this problem?"  Ultimately, the goal is to find solutions that work best for everyone. 

Adopting a cooperative mindset does not guarantee that every problem can be happily solved.  But using a cooperative approach will create the least amount of damage to a relationship when disputes arise.  And most couples, who use such an approach, report feeling more connected closes and understood.

Express Negative Feelings Effectively

Having negative feelings about something a partner has done is a fact of life.  How those feelings get expressed is what matters the most. 
If you are in a close relationship, eventually your spouse or partner will act in a way that makes you upset (more likely, this happens a lot).  Typically, when people get upset by something their partner has done, they try to get their partner to stop doing it.  This makes perfect sense.  Unfortunately, this approach often creates more problems than good. 
For the most part, when people are upset, they try to control their partner's behavior by telling a partner what to do, by being critical, displaying anger, yelling, pouting, sulking, giving the silent treatment... you get the idea.  The problem with this approach is that it creates a defensive response.  When people feel like they are being criticized or told what to do, they fight back.  Suddenly, a small problem turns into something much larger - now both sides are on the attack. 
Since trying to control a partner's behavior does not work, what is one supposed to do?
The best way to solve these types of problems is by learning how to express one's feelings about the situation without attacking a partner in the process.  If you can learn how to express what you're feeling, without trying to assign blame or dictate an outcome, your relationship will be better off in the long run. 
For example, if your spouse is spending too much time with an ex, you could tell him or her to stop it (this is likely to cause a fight).  Or you could talk about how it makes you feel.  "I feel uncomfortable, concerned, worried... when you spend time with your ex.  Can we talk about how I am feeling?"  
If you can focus on your feelings, and not your partner's actions, several things are likely to happen.  First, your feelings about the situation are likely to become less intense - feelings tend to fade when people talk about them.  Second, by talking about your feelings, your partner is more likely to see the situation from your perspective and come up with a solution on their own.  Finally, talking about feelings in a non-hostile manner helps couples grow closer and feel more connected. 

Encourage Conversation

Multitasking has become a way of life.  Rarely do people focus on doing one thing at a time, especially when it comes to talking with their spouse or partner. 
Think about it for a moment.  What were you doing the last time you talked to your spouse?  Were you working, watching tv, sending an e-mail, or reading a text message? 
The problem with multitasking, when talking to someone you love, is that it limits your ability to focus on what's being said.  Even if you have good intentions, the fact that you are distracted gets communicated nonverbally, and it sends a very powerful message - "I'm not really paying attention." 
And when partners realize that they are not being listened to they either get upset or they stop talking.  For example, asking a spouse how their day was while checking your BlackBerry usually results in a minimal response - "Fine." 
While this issue may seem trivial, it is not.  It is difficult to feel important, loved and cared for when people don't take the time to listen to each other. 
There is a simple solution to this problem.  Whenever your spouse calls or your partner comes home for the day, stop what you're doing.  Focus your attention on what your spouse or partner is saying.  They will notice your interest, and even if they don't have anything important to say, it will make them feel special. 
Simply giving your spouse a few minutes of your undivided attention can set a positive tone for the rest of the day.    

Do New Things Together

While establishing a routine can help create stability within a relationship, it is also important for couples to experience new things together.  
Let's face it - the fun part of a relationship is in the beginning, when everything is new, exciting and full of potential.  Over time, as couples grow familiar with each other, some of that excitement fades.  In fact, at a physiological level people's minds actually become habituated - neurons stop firing and couples lose some of their interest in each other.   
The key to long-term happiness involves doing new things with a partner - things which are stimulating and exciting - things which bring some energy back into the relationship. 
Not only does doing novel things together bring back feelings of excitement, but it also gives couples something new to talk about.  
Doing something new might involve adventure travel, learning a new hobby, volunteering in your community, participating in a new sport, or simply going on a walking tour around the neighborhood. 
Couples, who remain happily married, understand the importance of breaking out of their routine from time to time. 

Share Responsibilities

For most couples, there is always something that needs to be done, whether it involves childcare, housework, paying bills, you name it.  And in a romantic relationship, there needs to be a sense of fairness when it comes to dealing with such tasks.
Study after study has shown that couples are happiest when there is a shared sense of responsibility.  If one person feels they are doing more of the work, it leads to problems.  When the workload is not shared, the person who is carrying more of the burden feels overwhelmed.  Over time, anger and resentment can build-up and dampen feelings of love and affection.    
The solution to this problem is simple:  Always pitch-in and lend a helping hand.  Doing so creates a sense of fairness and demonstrates that you care.  It is a small gesture, but it has a huge impact on how people feel about each other.

Give Each Other Space

Part of getting a relationship right is knowing when to give your partner some space. 
Relationships are great.  They create stability and give people a sense of belonging.  At the same time, people need a break.  People need to have some time just for themselves.
To maintain a healthy relationship, it is important to give a partner some space when needed.  One of the worst things you can do in a relationship, is be clingy or interfere when a spouse needs some time alone. 
Some people just need a few minutes to themselves when they get home from work, some people need an evening to do something on their own, and some people have an even greater need for autonomy.   
Just because someone needs some downtime, does not necessarily mean that there is a problem in your relationship.  The more you allow your spouse or partner to have some time to themselves, the more happy they will be when they are with you. 

Balanced Lifestyle

1.    Balancing Work and Family Responsibilities

Family-work balance is a process, not a static achievement. It’s important to make the ‘big decisions’ – selecting careers and jobs, timing children, allocating roles and responsibilities, etc.­ that will provide the opportunity for balance. The real task of balance takes place on a weekly and daily basis, even from hour to hour. This is where couples hold the line to protect family time or allow it to evaporate where they opt to take advantage of a family opportunity or allow other priorities to interfere.

But how can you tell when you have found the right family-work balance for you and when you need to adjust make a different plan? Good balance, while different for everyone, is characterized by

Place All Items You Need in One Familiar Location.
Place near the door your keys, briefcase, purse, school supplies, important papers and letters to be mailed. Keep a petty cash fund handy for all those times that you or a child needs to take money for a parking meter, lunch.

Make Clothing Choices for the Next Day.
Laying clothes out the night before helps make morning dressing easier and hassle free.

Pull Yourself From Your Pillow at Least 1-1/2 Hours Prior to Leaving for Work.
A few more minutes added to your morning preparation time can prevent frantic dressing, no breakfast and forgotten tasks that need to be done before leaving for work.

Rise First and Dress Before Waking Others.
Time alone in the morning can be just what you need to get yourself together without bumping into others or being interrupted.

Have Children Make Their Lunches.
If old enough, have children prepare their lunches the night before to save you time and get them involved in food preparation.

Encourage Your Spouse to Share in the Morning Tasks.
Have your spouse assist with the morning and evening tasks so that all the responsibility doesn't fall on one person.

Take Time for Breakfast.
Set the breakfast table the night before -- a good task for a younger child. Sit down for 15 minutes and eat a light, wholesome breakfast. If you're on the run, grab a piece of fruit, cheese and crackers, a muffin or a small sandwich to eat while commuting or during a morning break.

2. The Family Partnerships Framework

The Family Partnerships Framework identifies seven dimensions as guidelines for planning partnership activities. These seven dimensions are:

A. communicating;

B. connecting learning at home and at school;

C. building community and identity;

D. recognising the role of the family;

E. consultative decision-making;

F. collaborating beyond the school; and

G. participating.

A brief description of each dimension is provided below.

A. Communicating

This key dimension emphasises that effective communication:

• is active, personal, frequent and culturally appropriate;

• is where schools go out of their way to make families feel welcome and valued;

• is a two-way exchange between families and schools;

• involves not only an exchange of information, but also an opportunity for schools and families to learn about each other;

• makes clear that families are genuine partners and can help solve big problems;

• builds bridges across cultural and language divides including actively seeking access to these families;

• needs to take into account cultural and linguistic diversity and not assume that all families communicate in the same way;

• is open to families’ needs and attitudes;

• acknowledges and celebrates the families’ input;

• is multi-dimensional – it may:

• be formal or informal,

• happen in different places (both in the school and in other sites such as community centres), and

• use different methods (oral, written, face-to-face, phone, email, etc).6

Family-school communication needs to be taken seriously and must be valued, recognised, and rewarded by schools and education systems. It is essential to provide teachers and school leaders with education and training programs to prepare them to communicate effectively with families in an approachable manner. It is equally important to empower and encourage families to communicate effectively with schools.

B. Connecting Learning at Home and at School

This key dimension emphasises:

• understanding by families and schools of the overlap between the home and school environments;

• the connection between successful partnerships and the child’s learning, including the importance of high expectations from both teachers and parents to the child’s success at school;

• families and schools working together to create positive attitudes to learning in each child;

• ensuring families are informed about and understand their child’s progress;

• families and schools valuing and using the skills and knowledge children bring both from the home to the school and from the school to the home;

• families and schools recognising and using learning opportunities in the home environment;

• parents working with teachers in the educational decision-making process for their individual child; and

• schools becoming a venue and agent for parental self-growth, learning and the development of new skills.

C. Building Community and Identity

This key dimension emphasises activities that improve the quality of life in a community while honouring the culture, traditions, values and relationships in that community. By including activities that shape students’ sense of identity and culture, schools can build a sense of community in each student. The work of schools includes aspects of the social, emotional, moral and spiritual development of young people. Thus schools have a role to play in promoting both personal growth and cultural renewal. Schools can act as a focal point for communities to come together and engage in capacity-building.

D. Recognising the Role of the Family

This key dimension emphasises that as primary educators of their children, parents and families have a lasting influence on their children’s attitudes and achievements at school. They can encourage their children’s learning in and out of school and are also in a position to support school goals, directions and ethos. Parents look to schools to provide secure and caring environments for their children.7

Families and schools can reach mutual understanding of each other’s roles and priorities in partnerships by:

• exploring the nature of parent and family’s role in the education of children to develop mutual understanding;

• offering strategies for family support and encouragement of children’s learning at school;

• organising workshops/discussions/meetings and demonstrations around areas such as literacy and numeracy, home and classroom work, raising resilience and confidence in young people, transitions and careers and so on, depending on local needs and priorities;

• ensuring families understand school goals, curriculum and the social objectives of schooling;

• ensuring schools understand family, parent and community priorities;

• ensuring schools are sensitive to parents’ sensibilities;

• ensuring schools are realistic, patient and brave;

• establishing an environment where schools show leadership which is visible and available;

• helping schools become a place that parents can call their own including creating real roles for parents who come into the school;

• building relationships; and

• developing skills, such as communication, collaboration and conflict management.

E. Consultative Decision-Making

This key dimension emphasises that parents are entitled to be consulted and participate in decisions concerning their own children.

Parents can play meaningful roles in the school decision-making processes. Training and information to make the most of those opportunities can be provided as part of the partnership activities.

An inclusive approach to school decision-making and parental involvement creates a sense of shared responsibility among parents, community members, teachers and school leaders. In turn, shared responsibility:

• ensures that parents’ values and interests are heard and respected;

• makes the school more accountable to its community;

• ensures that the values and opinions of families are sought outside the formal school structures; and

• ensures that contact with Indigenous parents from within the community is sought to ensure their engagement in school decision making.8

F. Collaborating Beyond The School

This key dimension emphasizes identifying, locating and integrating community resources. The wider community provides services which can strengthen and support schools, students and their families. Schools, families and students can assist the community in return. Schools are increasingly collaborating with partners such as:

• local businesses;

• after-school care providers;

• higher education;

• foundations; and

• other community-based agencies.

G. Participating

This key dimension emphasizes that families’ time, energy and expertise can support learning and school programs in many ways. This may involve family members:

• working with students on learning activities in classrooms;

• participating in other school activities outside the classroom; or

• participating in activities outside the school itself; and

• supporting and valuing teachers.

Families participate in the school in a wide variety of ways and all contributions are valuable. Participation may involve families having the opportunity to do something that interests them and including activities that are not directly education-related.

Katlego Learnership 2012 (FNB

Katlego Learnership 2012 (FNB) 
We are introducing the Katlego Learnership to the Business. The Learnership sponsors unemployed learners, who receive a stipend while completing their studies.
 
Objective:
·     To give branches the opportunity to employ matriculants of high calibre in their areas at a reduced cost.
·     Give matriculants the opportunity to obtain a qualification and working experience in the Banking industry.
·     To give family and friends of Banking Channels staff preference to this learning opportunity. 
Target market
Banking Channels will select 80 matric School leavers of 2010 and 2011, who achieved at least 28 points in their results.
The Katlego Learnership will give the successful applicants an opportunity to obtain an NQF 5 qualification and the Bank has an option to employ the learner based on their performance at the end of the contract.
Banking Channels staff are requested to enquire from family and friends of potential learners to apply URGENTLY. 
Recruitment & Selection
Candidates  are to meet the criteria as follows:
·     Must be unemployed.
·     Must not have been previously employed.
·     Have at least 28 points on their final results.
·     Must not be older than 22 years.
·     Preference will be given to ACI (African, Coloured, Indian) candidates.
·     Have a clear credit record (ITC and REDS).
·      
Conditions of the Learnership
·     Applicants to complete Psychometric screening.
·     The successful candidate will sign a Learnership Agreement which covers a period of 12 months.
·     The Learner will sign a Contract of Employment for 12 months: however, the Bank is not under obligation to employ the Learner on a permanent basis at the end of the contract.
·     Must complete the On-boarding Programme.
·     Be committed to complete a NQF 5 Qualification.
·     The learners will attend classes every month. The number of days will vary between three and five days per month.
·     Will receive a stipend of R2, 500,00 per month.
 
Applicants can apply online at www.fnb.co.za on iRecruit Ref: IRC # 29068.
 
Closing date for applications is 10 February 2012.
Regards
Babalwa Coceka Radebe
Learning Liaison Officer
FNB Banking Channels - Associates Stream

FNB Towers
3rd Floor

27 Diagonal Street

Johannesburg


Tel (087) 5777466, Fax (011) 3715635,
e-mail bradebe@fnb.co.za
www.fnb.co.za 

	Keabetswe Mothoagae			Tel: (011) 355 7000|Fax: (011)?355 7509 Email: keabetswe.mothoagae@gauteng.gov.za Web: www.gautengonline.gov.za			Department of Roads & Transport

Loving Life and Step out from Confrot Zone

Life is beautiful; life is challenging; life is short. Each of us will have a very different experience of life but many of us will ask the same questions: What is the meaning of life? Will my life have meant anything after I'm gone? Will I even be remembered?

Live every day on a fresh new start. Don’t be held back by what happened yesterday, the day before, the week before, the year before, and so on.

Be true to who you are. Stop trying to please other people or be someone else. It’s better to be an original version of yourself than an exact duplicate of someone else.

Quit complaining. Don’t be like the howling dog, always howling and never doing anything. Stop complaining about your problems and work on them instead.

Be proactive. Stop waiting for others around you to do something and take action yourself instead.

Rather than think “what if”, think “next time”. Don’t think about things you can’t change (namely what has happened and thoughts of other people) or unhappy things because these are disempowering. Instead focus on the things you can action upon. That’s the most constructive thing you can do in any situation.

Create your own opportunities. You can wait for opportunities to drop in life. Or, you can go out there and create your own opportunities. The latter is definite and much more empowering.

Be committed to your growth. In the Map of Consciousness, there are 17 levels of consciousness – from Shame to Enlightenment. The higher level of consciousness you are in, the richer your life experience. Achieving higher consciousness comes from your commitment to growth.

Face your fears. But do it in small steps.

This is one of the best ways to overcome fears and get out of your comfort zone. What holds us back in our zone of comfort is often a fear or that facing that fear straight on might be overwhelming. This is a solution to those two problems. It allows you to stretch your comfort zone slowly making it less uncomfortable and frightening.
If you’re for instance nervous socially you might not feel able to ask people out on dates right away. The fear of being rejected and that others might think less of you if you get turned down can make many of us feel unable to ask the question.
So you take small steps instead. Steps like first just saying hi to people. Or starting to talk more to people online via forums and Instant Messaging. And then trying to be more involved in conversations at work or in school to exercise your conversation-muscles.
I guess one could say that you gradually de-sensitize yourself to social situations or whatever you are afraid of. Or, seeing it in a more motivating light, that you are building courage and expanding your comfort zone in this part of your life (which is something that often seeps over to other areas of life too.)
So, identify your fear. Then make a plan with some smaller steps you can take to gradually lessen your discomfort.

Make a new acquaintance.

This will expose your to new experiences, opinions and interests. And it’s not just about meeting new people the usual way. Try just picking up a biography about someone you know nothing about. Start reading a book from a writer you haven’t read before. Read about a random topic at Wikipedia. Or add an unexpected RSS-feed about something you normally never read about.

Take a friend with you.

In general, it’s often easier to not go it alone. And this applies to many situations. Including when you are going for the emotional bungee jump that getting out of your comfort zone can be.

I’d say this probably the most popular way to get yourself out of comfort zones. If you are going to a party where you know few people then it may be easier to bring a friend. If you have decided to start going to the gym it might be easier to actually get going and keeping going there every week if you have a gym-partner.

However, there are potential downsides to bringing friends too. If you are at the party with your friend then you might not meet and get to know that many new people. If you are going to the gym with a partner it might lead to the two of you talking and focusing less on getting a great workout.

Educate yourself.

Your comfort zone might be protecting your from imaginary dangers. Maybe things aren’t as difficult or scary as you imagine? Do a bit of research. Getting some good information can dissipate quite a bit of your fear and nervousness.

Do a bit of Goggling. Read books and blogs. Ask someone who has been there before. By reading/hearing about what others that have done the same thing you are about to do saw, heard, felt and did you can not only lessen negative feelings but also get some very valuable and practical tips.

Awash your mind with positive memories.

Realise it can be fun to get out of your comfort zone despite what your mind and feelings might be telling you before you get started. Think back to the previous times when you have broken out of your comfort zone. Focus on the positive memories, when you got out there, when you took a chance. And it wasn’t so bad, it was actually fun and exciting and something new to you.

A lot of times we automatically play back our negative experiences – or negative interpretations of events – in our minds before we are about to do something. And we forget about the positive memories and our previous, positive achievements. Avoid that trap. Let the good memories flow through your mind instead and let things become easier.

Plus-Fab- Not just the right size

A lot of women in South Africa struggle with issues of identity and beauty - women are dying to be thin and going to extremes in an attempt to achieve the impossible standards of beauty that exist globally -  not Ms. Ouma Tema.  This passionate and dynamic business woman has taken it upon herself to help South Africans redefine their ideas of beauty by making a BOLD statement.  Inspired by the story of iconic South African women such as Saartjie Baartman, who were always shunned upon and even ostracized because their physical stature does not conform with the norm, Ouma Tema wants to take

South African fashion industry by storm by targeting woman who are plus sized and are not really given options to fit their lifestyle where fashion is concerned. “It’s been a struggle for me as a plus sized woman to find sophisticated and fashionable clothes in plus size stores that are available in SA this is why I made it my mission to create a range of clothing that will enhance a plus size woman’s figure.Plus-Fab *not just the right size* cater to the more voluptuous women. 

We created a range of sophisticated, beautifully crafted, fashion forward shapely clothing to make plus size women feel beautiful, comfortable and on trend with the latest fashions. With this brand we hope to bring out the fashionista in every plus size women by offering clothes that accentuate as opposed to cover up.

NB: We offer ready to wear collection and custom made outfits for special occasions (wedding, Durban July, The Met, Polo events, Awards shows, Graduations, cocktail, birthday parties THE WORKS!!!!

 Plus-Fab is based in Pretoria
Ms Ayanda (Assistant) @ 076 4242 314/012 751 4037
Ayanda@plus-fab.com
Ms Leago (intern) @ 082 551 4747/012 751 4037
Leago@plus-fab.com
Or Ms Ouma Tema

Blog: www.plusfab.blogspot.com /www.plus-fab.com
Like our Facebook page: ?Ouma Tema at Plus Fab?
Follow Ouma on Twitter: @oumatema

Cartoon by Bethuel Mangena

TILL DEATH DO US PARTVolume 100, Tuesday, 23 January 2011

Romans 7:2 - "For example, by law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law of marriage."

---

I spent the past weekend in Maseru. I was attending a funeral of a father of a dear friend of mine. His father passed on at the age of 67. He had been married to his wife for over 40 years. On Friday night there were prayers at the home and my wife and I attended. After the service, my friend invited to pass our condolences to his mother. We knelt next to her as she was seated right in front of the casket of her late husband. We did not have words to say. As we knelt, she touched both our hands and began to speak. We listened whole heartedly to her words. What came out of her mouth stunned us.

She said to us “My children, as you can see I am seated in front of a casket of my late husband. I am sad yes, but I am also grateful that I honored my vows. We made vows to each other that only death will separate us. We stuck it out together for over forty years and today we are separated by death. I urge you my children to hold on to one another. There is no better feeling one gets than to see that they stood by their vows until the end. So, please take a leaf from my life and do the same. I know it is not easy, but try.

God will help you if you ask him”. My wife and I were speechless. Here was a mother who had lost her life partner and instead of receiving from us, there she was giving to us. Instead of rolling in her sorrow, she was self less and used her situation to encourage and empower young people like us to follow her great example. By the time we left her, our hearts were so full of emotion. We just did not know how to respond. We had never come across anything like this before. We had never experienced such selflessness at such a moment of grief.

When we got to our hotel room we both spoke about it and made a pact that we will pray and ask God to bring about such a sorrowful yet joyous experience in our lives. We recommitted ourselves to our vows and promised each other that until death do us part. We woke up on Saturday and attended a funeral of a warrior of a dad. We were in awe right through the service at how much God had blessed this man and his family.

His children did an outstanding job to celebrate his life through a funeral service that was so much organized and full of great narrations from people of all walks about a life well lived. My wife and I left for our home much more empowered than we had arrived. We left full of hope, full of optimism that during the days and times that we live in it is still possible to honour your vows and stay with your marital partner until the end.

To the Ralebitso family, thank you for being such a great example to us on how a family should be. Thank you Mama for your words of wisdom. In your time of sorrow, you chose to give. The lessons you gave us are much greater than the theory we had in our heads on marriage. You used yourself as a living example that it possible and that it is doable. May our heavenly father give you and your family comfort. May he give you strength to move on. May he keep your family together. May his angels ever dwell with you until the end of time. Re a leboga.

I pray that those of you who are married who get to read this bulletin find it in your hearts to recommit to your spouses and make a new promise that ‘till death do you part’. With God on your side, it is possible. Happy and blessed marriage to all!

God is good all the time and all the time God is good!

Simphiwe Mdlalose
23 January 2012